I am so done with this condition. Seriously – I’m at a complete loss. I no longer know how to cope with this.

Right now, it is 2’oclock in the morning. About 15 minutes ago, I went to use the bathroom and happened to look in the mirror at myself while I was in there.
‘What’s that?’ I thought, even though I knew what it was the moment I saw it.
A bald patch. That’s right, a bald patch. Right on the front of my head. For all to see.

I knew I’d started pulling again and I knew the urges were there, but I thought I was doing enough to prevent myself: I spent money I didn’t have on a fiddle toy,  began wearing a swimming cap around the house, put coconut oil on my hair before going to sleep at night – and in work the other night, when my urges were really bad I spent my shift snapping an elastic band off my wrist to distract myself.
What more can I do?
I’m trying everything and still I’m failing.

I keep reaching up and touching the bald spot over and over again because I can’t believe it’s there. I run the tip of my forefinger from my right eyebrow upwards and my hairline doesn’t start where it’s supposed to anymore.
This is a patch that’s only just grown in. It’s taken over 5 months to grow that tiny patch of hair back and now it’s gone. Months of progress, ruined – in the space of a few minutes probably.

When I relapsed about a week or two ago,  I cried until there were no tears left. I’m not crying now. Honestly, I just feel drained. Completely empty.
I’m in a battle with my Trich that realistically, I’m never going to win.

I shaved my head in February, and re-shaved it another 5 times after that. I spent the majority of this year bald. I’ve had to face people staring at me, questioning me and making assumptions about me. I’ve tried to put a positive spin on it all, even when I’ve struggled – and for what?
I’m no better off than I was before I shaved my head. I gave up my hair so I could have a fresh start, so me and my hair would be strong enough to deal with my Trichotillomania and that hasn’t happened.
I feel like I’m just watching the cycle repeat itself and I have no power to stop it.

The guilt I feel right now is immense. I’ve let myself down and I’ve let the people who care about me down. Christ, I’ve even left my hair down.
Months of repair and regrowth, just to be ripped out again by the roots. Fantastic.

There are honestly no words. I feel like everything I’ve done so far to help myself has been all in vain. The urges aren’t going away and my hair is. Simple as.

I need to go to bed. Just wanted to write this and get my thoughts out. Because everything I’ve posted lately about this has been positive and that’s not the whole truth. The truth is, I’m struggling and terrified and feel completely alone.

With all that said, I’m going to sleep. Can only hope that I won’t wake up to find even more damage.

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