I. Want. To. Pull. My. Hair. Out.

Yep, my pulling urges are back – with a vengeance.

I’ve shaved my head a total of six times and the more difficult patches are FINALLY starting to grow back, so I made the decision recently to not shave anymore and to just let my hair grow – which is apparently proving to be too difficult for me.
I suppose the urge to pull never actually went away: I admit, I have had a few pulling episodes with tweezers since shaving my head and I started on my eyebrows and eyelashes only a few days losing my hair too – which wasn’t fun.

But the urge was numbed, however. It was masked by how empowered and confident I felt braving the bald. But the numbing of the urge was temporary, as I predicted from the start.
I knew at some point I’d be dying to pull out my hair again, I just didn’t know when or how bad it would be. Well, turns out it’s now and it’s bad.
And I am not prepared the way I wanted to be.

My hair is now at a length where I can grip it, which also means that I can pull it out. So a familiar internal battle is starting up again.

I want my hair to grow back. It’s quite simple. And really, that should be enough incentive to stop me pulling. And there has been so much progress with regrowth:

I want to keep this up. I really, really do.

But Trichotillomania is very complicated.
Wanting my hair to grow back doesn’t cancel our my need to pull it out.
And unfortunately for me, I have quite a few triggers.
Dry hair is one – but greasy hair is also one. So my hair has to be exactly the right texture in order to stay rooted in my head.
Any form of lump or spot on my scalp can set me off too – so the heat lumps I’ve been getting from the sunny weather at the moment have not helped.
The general heat is a trigger all by itself, in fact. The timing of the decision to grow my hair could not have been worse if I’m being honest.
When you’ve been bald for a while, the smallest amount of hair on your head can make you sweat – add hot weather and long days in work to the equation and you get considerable discomfort – and an itch to pull.


But being aware of the urge is probably better than being unaware, which is actually another issue I’ve had.

I have not been around a lot of people recently so there’s no-one to tell me when I’m unconsciously pulling. The giveaway was waking up last week with the index finger and thumb on my right hand being swollen, inflamed and slightly bruised.

13332824_623918594450406_6252508493725438201_nNow, this is a tricky one for me. How am I supposed to regain control of this pulling when I don’t know I’m doing it?

Right now, I’ve decided to just put coconut oil on my hair of a night – it keeps my hair in good condition whilst also making it difficult to grip. Two birds with one stone, yes?

But it’s a temporary fix. Finding ways to physically prevent myself can only do so much. Trichotillomania is a BFRB, but it’s also a thing of the mind, an internal battle, like I said earlier. And after doing the most drastic thing I could to regain control, I suppose right now I’m scared of losing it again (hence this whiny blog post which is really just ramblings of my worries).

So I’m going to leave it there for today, having said all I have to for now. Hopefully I’ll find a way to deal with this and if I do, I’ll keep you all posted!