So when I first shaved my head, a lot of people asked me: ‘So, do you get jealous of other people when they have really good hair?’
My answer was always no, and it was the truth. After my first head-shaving, I actually felt so liberated and confident that I didn’t feel the need for a wig during my first month of being bald.
There was no reason for me to be jealous. My hair would grow back, and when it did, I’d hopefully have managed to find a way to resist pulling-urges so it could stay where it was. Simple.
And I still know that all of that is true and the hope that I will one day be in complete control of my Trichotillomania is what keeps me going… But the entire process is taking so much longer than I thought.
I’m not stupid, by the way – I knew long before shaving that regrowth would take a long time.
But I’ve shaved my head a total of six times now, because my hair needs time to to repair itself. Needless to say, the novelty wore off long ago.
The issue is that I’m not just letting my hair grow here: I’ve plucked out hairs from the root, so I have to wait for the roots to actually reform again, and that’s before it starts to grow back. And considering the severity of my damage, you can imagine how long that is going to take.
So right now is a very emotionally turbulent time: while I’m grieving over my old hair, I’m also impatient for new growth; and while one part of me loves ‘braving the bald’, another part of me just wants to cover it up. And after three months, I’ve finally entered into the Hair Envy stage of post-shaving.
People with beautiful hair are everywhere I look. And it drives me insane with jealousy. It’s so bad that I remember the specific hair of strangers I pass by on the street. If that’s not weird stalker behaviour, I don’t know what is.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bitter angry type of jealousy. It’s a longing kind, because I want to have hair again so much. And it’s not even anyone else’s hair that I want, it’s mine.
I MISS MY HAIR. I miss brushing out the tangles when I’d just washed it and complaining about it not going right after spending hours trying to style it. I miss talking to my friends about what I’m going to do with it on a night out and coordinating my hairstyle with what I’m wearing.
I wish I could take back every bad word I ever said about my hair and could put back every one I ever plucked out of my head.
Please don’t mistake this blog for a big pity party I’m having. I am totally accepting of my situation and always try to keep my head up (pun intended). It’s just that sometimes being the ‘bald girl’ is so isolating and can make me feel so defeated by my Trich.
Is it too much to ask to have beautiful Pocahontas hair?!
Honestly, I know that this Hair Envy stage won’t last forever – and I’ll be glad to see the back of it. All off this is just stemming from the grief for my hair and the insecurity that comes with baldness.
I’m certain that one day, when my hair does grow back (whenever that may be!), that there’ll be some aspects of being bald that I’ll miss – like the extra half an hour I get in bed in the morning because I don’t have hair to style!
One thing I do hope though, is that when that day comes, I can see the irony as I do now.
But with the new growth will come a new start. And my second chance with my hair will not be something I’ll take for granted.